Raise Your Hand If You Have A Desire to Play Pacman

Alan Jones has no desire to be a Cowboy

He tried wrestling, he tried hip-hop, he tried giving back to the community, and he tried covering his behind in court, but now he wants back in the game. The Dallas Cowboys are doing all they can to get Adam “Pacman” Jones on their side, even upping their original offer. But Jones wants them to know he's not ready to trade in his Titan, erm, star and thumbtack for cowboy boots.

“I have no intent at all of moving into the top 5,” he said.

Snap.

So what exactly does he want? Well, to be re-instated before the draft for one. And though he's been arrested six times since 2005, he wants the world to know that he realizes this is his last shot and is a changed man. Plus he still has some groveling to do for Tenessee if he wants them to take off the 1.275 million dollar debt he owes them. Apparently, he didn't make enough from his wrestling, hip-hop, and community deals to foot the bill. He had originally been suspended indefinitely following his string of run-ins with the law, but that's not going to stop him from asking to be let back in on Tuesday, and his agent, Manny Aurora, cuts out the warm fuzzies and says he believes that allowing Jones to train with the Titans, or any other team for that matter, will increase his appeal. Besides, you know, staying out of trouble and all that. But Jones actually doesn't want to be traded at all, a problem which wouldn't be that big of a deal if it weren't for the $6 million Tennessee owes him if he stays and the 1.275 million he owes them. Determined to be the “better sport” in all of this, though, Jones has offered to forego it all just to keep his, erm, thumbtack rights because he knows the easiest route for Tenessee is to trade Jones and not have to pay him anything, while he has to fork out the cash. But his offer apparently keeps coach Jeff Fisher up at night, as he keeps ping-ponging back and both in his decision on whether or not keep Jones, contradicting himself in virtually every interview. But, in the end, it'll all come down to the decision of commissioner Roger Goodell, who seems to believe in 7th chances and says of Jones, “I have seen some of his recent comments . . . and some of those comments were encouraging. I have always said he has to accept responsibility for his actions." But is he really? If so, 6 million dollars is a sweet responsibility to have to accept. I'd take responsibility for it, too, and I wasn't even there.

"We were hoping something would get worked out with the Titans or another team to work out a trade,” Aurora blabbered. “But the trade talks, the way I read, aren't progressing as well as we hoped. If the commissioner reinstates or grants permission to work out at a team's facility, that should ease the risk factor for a team interested in picking him up."

So someone is supposed to see him working out, fall in love with him as if he were in an axe commercial, and everything will be all right as sunny days, rainbows, and nice music float in the background behind him? But, regardless, Jones has several teams already interested in his playing skills, especially the Cowboys. Unfortunately, the dough hasn't risen enough to his liking and he's flat out refused. Part of the reason could be that pesky issue of repaying his signing bonus, something Jones had a genius idea about and has decided to “offer” to give up his performance bonus, which cashes in at a cool $1.2 million. To him, it's a fair deal. However, the Titans, dressed in the proverbial Mr. Monopoly outfit, have yet to allow him to pass go and collect chunk change.

Arora is quite sure he has it figured out, though. "We are not going to be the sticking point,” he said. But, in all honesty, shouldn't he be? He is the player, after all. What else do you intend to sell him with? Gum? But, nevertheless, he continues on with, “Now, we aren't going to be taken advantage of, but we aren't going to hold anything up."

Taken advantage of how? Isn't it due to his client's own mistakes that he's in this mess in the first place? If anything, he appears to be trying to dig himself out of a hole with as little dirt on his clothes as possible, and Aurora is apparently convinced he's already made it out unscathed. "The risk is minimal because he knows this is his last shot," he cooed. "You have a motivated player, and a team paying rock-bottom prices. Whether [the Titans] get a fourth or a fifth-round pick, what's the difference? So the risk factor, to me, is negligible."

That “negligible” risk factor could also be due in part to the damage control Jones has been doing since the last time he was sprung by apologizing on the radio and doing charity work when everything else didn't pan out. It's been a year, though, and apparently all that helping out is making his muscles atrophy and itch for the smell of a uniform and other men's armpits.

- Heather Akena

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Created by: HeatherAkena Last edited by: Berlin