This is What happens When Sports People Write Books

José Canseco presents: As the Steroid Turns

José Canseco, also better known these days as cheater-cheater-steroid-user, has a lot of things to say about Alex Rodriguez, probably better known as A-Rod. He sat down and had a gab fest with Martin Bashir, better known as Michael Jackson's favorite interviewer, who asked him about A-Rod by referring to Canseco's claim that Rodriguez asked him, "Where would one go to get steroids if one wanted them." [From the outset, I understand Bashir likes random word accentuation]. "What did you understand he was asking?" He then, for some reason, decided to ask. Okay, everyone. Wait for the duh moment. Wait for it . . . .wait for it . . .

Canseco: "On how to find steroids."

There we go! Who could come to any other conclusion? Even if he came to him dressed up like Barney and said, "Hi, kids . . . I'd like to get stronger without working out and probably explode my heart. How can I make that happen?" you'd know what he was talking about. But I'll get back to the point.

Canseco says that the conversation took place "Many, many years ago," to which Bashir responds with the stupidest question I've ever heard. "Now why did he need to do that?" Well, if it was even true, Bashir, I suppose he did it because he wanted them. For some odd reason, Canseco responds with, "Well, that's a great question for him." No, it's not. It's a very stupid question, and someone should tell him so.

"I'm asking you," Bashir responds again. Does this guy not have any good questions in his reporter handbook? Canseco comes back with, "I have no idea, you should ask him that." That makes sense. It was unfortunate that Bashir got Conseco for the interview instead, but then I'd probably have nothing good to wirte about. He also asks Conseco who Rogriguez got the steroids from, to which Conseco replies, "I think in my book his name was Max."

What? There's so much wrong with that sentence, I don't even know where to start. He thinks in the book the guy's name was Max? I'm all for protecting anonymity, but that's not even what Bashir asked. He asked who the guy was in real life and Conseco busts out with his fairytale book name, one which he apparently has a hard time remembering what it even was. Is there a beanstalk in it somewhere, too?

"Who is Max?" Bashir presses.

"We'll keep him out of it until the time is right," Conseco responds matter-of-factly.

I think the time is now, don't you? You've already dragged Mighty Max into it, you might as well either tell the whole thing or nothing at all instead of doing the Foxtrot around the question. Bashir pulls out retarded question number 82975289375932 and asks, "Why?" At this point, he's starting to remind of a psychologist who flunked out of school. If he starts asking Conseco how anything made him feel, I'm done watching this interview. In fact, maybe I'm done watching it now. I have to decide. . .

Okay, curiosity has gotten the better of me and I've decided to continue watching. Conseco comes back with the lame answer of, "The time is not right right now." When is the right time, exactly? And who says when the right time is? Bashir informs Conseco he's walking a thin line with all his allegations and no proof, to which Conseco responds, "The truth hurts, that's all I can say . . . The time is not right" Okay, that's it. I call bull. He makes these accusations on national television and shows no proof because "the time isn't right." He should get a better watch and should cough up legit stuff pronto. If he doesn't, I think A-Rod should sic Tiger Woods on him with a 9 iron.

As I keep watching this interview, I'm starting to soften up with my thoughts on Bashir. He's starting to chide Conseco in a very nice way, a slight smile on his face as he goes the roundabout way of saying, "Everything you're saying is total crap."

Before Bashir can finish, though, Conseco is making me go deaf in both ears as he says entirely too loudly, "Let's see how [Rodriguez] reacts to this." How do you think he's going to react, regardless of whether it's true or not? Send you a bouquet of flowers and a fruit basket?

"Let's see if they all call me a liar again. How's that for ya?" Conseco challenges. I'm starting to wish Bashir would throw his ballpoint pen at Conseco like a dart and then ask him how he likes them apples. Or better yet, where is Tiger Woods?

Bashir poses the argument again, "How can you make such damning allegations and not produce the evidence?"

"Let's see how they react," Conseco responds.

• paging Tiger Woods, a nice, clear day, and a photographer with a very loud shutter*

Conseco also goes on to challenge other players with asinine statements such as "I've never seen Roger Clemens do steroids and he never told me he did. But we've talked about what steroids can do for you in which combinations, and I've heard him use the phrase B-12 shot with respect to others.“

So what? This guy is seriously reaching, grabbing at air, and getting mad when someone says, "Dude, you're not holding anything but air." I find it nearly impossible to listen to this guy anymore. Why is anyone even giving him the time of day?

Rodriguez, for his part, knows how to actually act professional to people who are doing wrong and didn't threaten to take a bat to Conseco's face (though I think no one would blame him) as he merely stated, "As far as I'm concerned, it's over. I'm just happy to be playing Baseball." Which is a lot more than Conseco is doing right now. Instead of writing a book no one will read, maybe he can take up Putt – Putt if he needs something to do? It's just a thought . . .

- Heather Akena

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